OK, so this morning, while getting ready to head on out to the salt mine, I realize something that has been sneaking up on me for the past month or month and a half. What is that you ask?My fucking racing thoughts are back! You see, I start thinking about one person and then move on to the next one, and on to the next one, and on to the next one. The same thing happens with ideas and problems. The crazy shit is, that one person, thing or problem, doesn’t have to do shit with the other. In other words, they are not connected or related to one another. I start thinking about one thing, then a couple of minutes later, I realize what is going on and then I try to figure out what was my first thought in the first place, and I can’t remember for shit.
I’m thinking about giving my shrink Dr. C a call later today, about going back on the crazy med Risperidone, which is supposed to help me with my disorganized thinking or trouble organizing my thoughts. I mean, I did tried it before and at the lowest dosage possible, but it still made me feel sleepy and tired in the morning. But to be honest with you, I only tried it for a couple of days, one week tops. So I think that I was just feeling some of the side effects, which usually go away within a week when I start a new crazy med. Well my homies and homettes, I’ll see how that goes down today and I will keep you posted.
As always, wherever you are in this crazy planet of ours, good morning, good afternoon, good evening or good night. I hope that you are enjoying it or have enjoyed it to the fullest.
What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes! Well, one thing about me and this here crazy, insane and boring blog of mine is, that unlike other bloggers, who always portray a beautiful, positive and successful fake life, I don’t have time for that shit. In other words, either I post the truth or I don’t post shit at all. Anyways getting to the story, the thing that I forgot to mention on my last post was, that after being sober for five months, on Thanksgiving weekend, I had a couple of cold ones. To be honest with you, I’m not even looking at it as setback, because like I told my shrink many times, I’m not planning on staying sober for the rest of my life, I just want to stop the continuous weekend binge drinking that I had going on or the last three years. I’m really not disappointed, because the way that I look at it is, that I was just enjoying a holiday with family and friends. Nothing more, nothing else.
What my lovely wife did ask me was, if I was planning on drinking for the coming Christmas and New Year holiday, which I answered with no hesitation. NO!The reason for my decision is, that hangovers really fucking suck! It could be that #1) As I’m getting older, I’m get wiser. #2) I’m just getting tired of drinking or #3) 1 and 2. Whatever the reason or reasons, I’m really not looking forward to feeling like shit on my weekends anymore, just for the hell of drinking. I mean, I don’t see anything wrong with having a few cold ones once in a blue moon, just not every fucking weekend like I was doing a couple of months ago.
Just as my Thanksgiving Day was getting started, so did my depression. Like I told my shrink Dr. C a couple of times, I take my crazy meds every day in the morning, but for some weird and unexplained reason, every few weeks, I get depressed as hell. The one thing that I’ve noticed for a while now is, that it all gets started with all these negative thoughts popping into my mind. Then most of the time, as the day goes by, it all goes downhill from there. I know that many years ago, my shrink told me that I suffer from Bipolar II disorder, but I’ve never experienced anything like this, until a couple of months ago.
Well, the good news is, that after spending a couple of hours going back and forth between helping my wife with some Thanksgiving dinner preparations and writing this post, I can say that I feel a lot better. Who knows, maybe what actually helped me was using this post to say how I felt. But no matter what, I will let my shrink know, when I see him next month.
First things first my homies and homettes! I became what they call a bedroom DJ back in the mid 80’s, then quit in the mid 90’s. During that time, I was also introduced to making electronic music using drum machines and other equipment. A couple of years ago, I decided to get back into mixing and electronic music because… I really missed it and what I did most of my weekends was to binge drink. So I bought myself some basic DJ equipment and music production software. But like always, I only do it as a hobby that I love, not for fame and money.
The one thing that I notice this time around was, that talk therapy and the crazy meds have helped me a lot with my anxiety and OCD, but they have not been able to completely make my OCD intrusive thoughts and images go away. On the other hand, mixing and creating my own electronic music, actually helps even more. Remember, that I am an expert at nothing, but what I am trying to say is, that maybe, just maybe, if you find something like a hobby, that will keep your mind busy for a while, it MIGHT eventually help with your OCD. I say MIGHT, because one of the many things that people don’t know is, that everybody’s OCD manifest itself in different ways. That’s the reason why, when I write a post about OCD, I specifically include the words “MY OCD” in the title.