Twelve Sober Days

Today is my twelfth sober day and I’m happy about my accomplishment. The last time that I was sober for so long, was a few weeks ago, but then I fucked up on the thirteenth day. This time, when I hit my two sober weeks, which I’m looking so forward too, I’ll stop counting days and I’ll start counting weekends. I believe that since I only binge drink on the weekends, I’ll be better off counting them, rather than days.

Mentally I feel way better than a few weeks ago, when I fucked up my sobriety. One thing that I do have to say about my switch from Paxil to Prozac is that it has been a smooth transition from one crazy med to the other. The first few days were really fucked up, but afterwards, it has been smooth sailing. So right now, I am looking forward to up my dosage from 20 gm to 40 mg a day, starting on Monday. I can’t say that I have felt any side effects… OK… yet! But I want to get to the therapeutic dosage as soon as possible.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Eleven Sober Days

Today marks my eleventh sober day and again…  I feel like Tony the tiger… Grrrrrrreat! It hasn’t been easy, because I get bored at home, but that’s no excuse to get shit face drunk. Actually, there’s no excuse to get drunk the way that I do, no excuse at all. A few things that I don’t miss for sure are the alcohol withdrawal effects, like the shakes, upset stomach and headache, just to name a few. Not only that, but I feel happy for my accomplishment. To a normal person, it doesn’t seem as much, but to a weekend binge drinker like myself, it means a lot.

Only because I’m sober, doesn’t mean that all of my troubles go away. It only means, that I can face them head on and sober. You see, when I drink, I tend to become very irresponsible. So now that I’m not drinking, I have to face my deamons and the financial mess that I created while drinking. After all is said and done, the reality of it all is, that my entire family is happy that I’m not drinking. I can actually see it on their faces, specially my wife. I mean, she said a million times… She doesn’t have a problem with my drinking, she just has a problem with my binge drinking on the weekends. She tells me, that if only I could control the amount of alcohol that I drink on the weekends, she won’t have a problem, but I always go overboard, there’s no limit for me. Once I get started, all bets are off.

Since I don’t have a problem with alcohol on my work days, from now on, I’ll take it one weekend at a time, instead of one day at a time. No pressure, no going crazy over it. I love seeing my wife’s smile when I don’t drink. She’s the most beautiful woman in the entire world when she’s happy and smiling. I want to see more of that. Not only am I staying sober for me, but also for her as well. I don’t care what anybody says, I’m doing it for my entire family… Including my dog. Hey! He’s also family!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all.

My Life Sucks. Then I Move On

Sometimes the going gets tough for me, but when depression is thrown into the equation, that’s when the shit hits the fan. I have suffered from bipolar II disorder for many years, without knowing it. I had the typical depression, mood swings and manic episodes, the hell! most of the time, I talked so much, that my wife had to tell me to shut up, even at work, my supervisors told me a few times, that I had to cut down on the talking… later when I was diagnosed, I found out, that it was due to the racing thoughts that I was experiencing.

You see, the whole thing about my bipolar II disorder, OCD and social anxiety disorder symptoms is, that sometimes they do get out of control… and sometimes I can’t handle them. But the truth is, that as time goes on, everyday, I am learning new ways to cope with them. Sometimes I feel like shit for a few days, but then I realize, that I have to get off of my ass and do something about it, because if I don’t, no one will do it for me.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sober and Happy

Today marks my ninth sober day and I feel like Tony the tiger… grrrrrrreat! Even though I went to a party last Saturday, I didn’t have a drop of alcohol and I still enjoyed it to the fullest, which is a first for me in a long ass time. Sunday I felt great and Monday I even felt better, going to work without a freaking hangover… that was the best thing ever. I was able to have breakfast and lunch without wanting to throw up. I was also able to do my work, even though my supervisors bombarded me with work, I was able to finish it just in time.

When I got home, I was able to walk my baby without telling him to hurry up, because I felt like shit. I was also able to enjoy my dinner and as a compliment to my wife the best chef in the whole wide world, I did the dishes.

You see, I was sober for five years after I committed myself to a rehab facility back in 2010, thanks to an alcoholism and drug addiction counselor from work, my employer’s alcoholism and drug addiction program and also to my private insurance, I didn’t have to pay too much out of pocket expenses. HECK! I was even getting 100% of my salary, while I was in the facility for thirty days. But since last year, I have been fucking up big time and I really mean BIG TIME! What I really want now, is to feel the same way that I felt those five sober years. I want to wake up in the morning feeling grrrrrrrreat! I want  to enjoy my days off from work, with my family and my little crazy dog. I’m really tired of feeling like shit and a loser. Without drinking alcohol, I feel like a champ and I don’t want that feeling to go away.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all

Smooth Sailing

Today marks my eight sober day and I feel fucking great. Actually, I’m looking forward to staying sober for a longer period of time. The longest that I have been sober since I went back to drinking last year, has been one month. Right now, I’m looking at my sobriety like I always do… one day at a time, nothing more nothing less. Plus, I really can’t mess around with alcohol, because right now I’m in the process of switching from Paxil to Prozac, so I really don’t want to amplify the side effects, if there are any. I want the transition from one med to the another, as smooth as possible, with no problems at all.

On another note, last night I decided to start taking Prozac, even though it was two days ahead of schedule, I still went ahead with it, because the effects from lowering the Paxil from 70 mg per day to 30 mg per day, were too bad for me to handle, no harm no foul. One thing that I noticed was, that together with Geodon, Prozac knocked the fuck out of me. I mean I went from being awake and watching TV with my wife, to waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing when the hell did I actually fell asleep. But that was good, my shrink told me, that it was also going to help with my sleep, which is excellent, since I keep waking up a few times in the middle of the night.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

After The Party

So last night I got home at 3:00 am after the party, three good news… I didn’t drink any alcohol because I didn’t want any and because I was driving… so I have been sober for one week now. The second one is, that the anxiety didn’t kill me at all, plus I took my Buspar and that helped… also relaxing and enjoying the moment helped even more. And last but not least, I had an excellent time with the entire family.

You see, if I would have given into the anxiety that I was feeling before the party, the anxiety would have won and I would have lost and I really hate losing. So from now on, I am letting the anxiety take its course, let it drive me crazy but I will never give in to it. Next big party is my wedding anniversary next month. I’m nervous, but I know, that no matter what happens, I won’t die. I know for a fact, that everything will be alright.

One last thing… right now, I’m thinking about starting the Prozac tonight, rather than on Tuesday night like my shrink told me too. But only because the effects from lowering the Paxil dosage from 70 mg to 30 mg, are driving me crazy sometimes. I just want the switch from Paxil to Prozac to be over with. I’ll see what I’ll do before I go to bed tonight.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sweet Anxiety

Today is the day that I have to attend the sweet sixteen party for my favorite niece. The anxiety has built up for the past few weeks, to the point that my shrink had to switch me from Paxil to Prozac to help me with my social anxiety problem.

So now, I am in the process of lowering my Paxil dosage from 70 mg to 30 mg for the next four days. Then on the fifth day, I will start 20 mg of Prozac for seven days. On the eighth day, I will completely stop the Paxil and go from 20 mg of Prozac to 40 mg. When switching from one SSRI to another, it really sucks, because the symptoms are really bad. I’ve been through this before, so all that I have left to do, is deal with it until the switch is complete, then afterwards, its smooth sailing. I am hopeful that the switch from Paxil to Prozac, will eventually help me with my social anxiety issues that I have dealt with my entire life. Fingers crossed.

The Day After My Shrink

OK, so I saw my shrink yesterday, but before I saw him, I had what I considered to be a panic attack. I felt extremely nervous and I was shaking like a mother fucking leaf in a storm. I felt as if I was going to lose it, I felt like if I was going to pass out, it was just an insane combination of so many feelings, like I’d never felt before in my entire life, but I got through it. When I saw my shrink, I explained to him what has been going on for the past couple of months. I also mentioned to him, the two social events that I have coming up and how my anxiety has gotten worse, as they get closer. We figured out that the two events, are to blame for my sudden rise in my anxiety.

To make a long story short, I’m going off of the Paroxetine and I’m going on Prozac. He told me that Prozac is also used for social anxiety, which I am also experiencing. He also advised me, to stop the Buspirone, since it looks like if it’s not helping me anymore, but I’m going to stay on it, until the Prozac kicks in, since it helps me for at least an hour and a half, after I take it. So, from now on, I have to start cutting down on my Paroxetine dosage, then after four days, I have to start on the Prozac, it’s going to be a process, you know… cutting down the Paroxetine and introducing the Proza into my body, but I’m going to be alright. I just hope that everything is OK, by my wedding anniversary celebration, on November. Fingers crossed.

The Big Day Is Here

Today is the big day for me, because I am seeing my shrink and I get to talk to him about the high anxiety level and the unusual high intrusive and racing thoughts that I am experiencing. I also get to ask him, if he can put me on a stronger anti-anxiety medication, than the one that I am taking, called Buspar. I know that my two up coming social events are to blame for my uncontrolled anxiety, and that is the reason why I need something stronger, in order for me not back out of them and attend them without a problem.

Lately, I have realized, that because of my anxiety, I have kept away from attending social events and the only way that I can deal with them, is by drinking alcohol. But the thing is, that I do want to socialize, but I do not want to drink alcohol to be social. I want to relax and be myself around others and if that means that I have to take a new medication until I am able to  socialize on my own, I will do whatever it takes. Right now my mind is just chaos , but I am willing to deal with it. I am willing to stop the craziness once and for all.

Anxiety Sucks Ass

I’m looking so forward for tomorrow to come, because I really need to talk to my shrink about my high anxiety level. I really need some type of med that can take the fucking edge off… I mean, I don’t want to feel dunk, drowsy or high, I just want something that will take the freaking anxiety away and make me feel normal.

The anxiety has been so freaking bad, that I’m not going to family gatherings, parties and places were there are a lot of people… unless I am drinking alcohol, that’s what I call my anti-anxiety and social gathering medication. It really helps me relax and be more sociable, but I don’t want to  keep using alcohol, in order for me to feel less anxious and be more sociable. With the high anxiety, my OCD intrusive thoughts and my worrying, has become even worst. I really don’t know what the fuck is going on in my head lately, it’s just completely chaos.